Who???

For the first time in my adult life I feel like life is good. Even though I have been through some really tough times in my life I have made it through by the power and grace of God. Something is missing though. I have the life that a lot of people might want. Nothing elaborate just satisfying. I work, I go to school, have great friends, church family, blood family, extended family and a little bit of a social life. There is still that one part that isn't there. I want a special person for me but I am not forcing that issue. God will let my special person find me when I am ready. I think maybe it is because in all the aspects of my life, I identify with the roles I play. I am a sister, a student. But I don't know who or what I would be without these roles. I don't know how I got to this place but it feels as if I don't own my own identity. I have certain personality traits that stand out to me but I still can't clearly identify myself through all the stuff. I guess this would be a part of the personal growth challenge for me to figure out who I am. I feel like I have become complacent and mediocre compared to how I would like to be. I don't want to be flamboyant and the life of the party but if I died today I don't think anyone would really be able to say much about me. They might talk about the things I did in my roles but what about me? Who is Zenobia when the curtain closes and the roles are left on the stage? Who is the person left there when the director yells CUT! Who am I?

Loneliness

Sometimes I feel like I can't relate to anybody. I feel like I am missing a huge part of life - a part that 99.9% of people have experienced. I can't help thinking about things lately. There is no escaping the fact the I am completely unhappy. There is a huge void in my life and it's leaving a hole so immense and so permanent that it scares me. My future seems so hopeless, I really don't enjoy anything anymore. I feel like I am trapped in a desolate well with no light. I have not much else to say. I hate missing somebody more than they miss me. I staid alone for a few days last weekend.... i hate leaving when i'm there. I have a hate/love relationships with my days off. I love them at the beginning but hate them at the end. as they days go on I start to think about my life to much and i get really sad. a sadness so deep i wish it on no one, i can't describe the empty pain that starts to take over me. but it doesnt get to me as much if i keep busy. I have no idea what i want to do with my life because i can't think of anything that would make me happy. music? yeah right, what a false hope. everything seems so played out and faded. i see the beauty in life, but i also see all of beauty's pain. i just want to be happy. I wish something would come and electrify me back to life. make me smile. make my eyes light up. make me happy. please, make my happy.